Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The Hardest Time
Neko met my dad's cousin this past weekend out in Southold. He asked how old she was and when I said nine months he commented that I was past the worst. And yet I kind of feel more in the weeds now than ever. Maybe some of it can be attributed to being sick and having a husband on crutches, but I just feel my day is filled with chores, that I'm failing as a mom since Neko isn't sleeping like she should and is sometimes whiny/clingy all day, and that I will never ever accomplish anything of consequence again. I still haven't been to the dentist or gynecologist, the dogs are months behind on their vet check ups, the baby journal only goes to New Years, other multimedia projects have been forgotten, I haven't done yoga alone since before Neko was born, I can't imagine how I am going to train for this marathon next Fall . . . We haven't even set up a nursery for her and it is going to be really hard to do that all on my own. I just don't understand why people always say the first few months are the hardest. Neko sleeps less and needs more interaction than ever. If I'm not trying to get her to sleep then I'm feeding her in the hopes that she will eat all day and be full all night. Also why is it all me? When Reggie helps with Neko he simply buys me some time by keeping her from crying for an hour. Granted he is on crutches and so can't do much with her, but at the end of that hour she hasn't learned anything, or eaten or been changed or cleaned or readied for bed. All that remains to be done when I get her back. The other day I stayed in bed all day pretty much as I was sick. I thought since she hadn't napped that Neko might fall asleep early at around 6. I had tried to get her to nap from 4 to 5 and had given up, so tried again 6 to7 and failed. I brought her down to Reggie. When I went back down a little after 8 to walk the dogs I asked if he had fed her. He said he didn't know he was supposed to and that she didn't seem hungry. So no part of feeding her every day for the past 3 1/2 months in the evenings had made any impression on him or created any pattern recognition? And she has to seem hungry, really? Like feeding her so she sleeps more than 2hrs at a time isn't motivation enough? I was just shocked. Everyone I mentioned it to feels the same way about their husbands. How can this be evolutionarily viable. I showed such promise, how have I put myself in this position?